Trauma does a lot to a child. The way they experience it, react to it, and grow from it creates lifelong habits and thought patterns. So… no pressure!
In all seriousness, parenting a child through trauma is a challenge. Children are often traumatized by a variety of events in their young lives, especially ugly divorces and fierce child custody battles.
Your child’s mental health matters. It’s important to be considerate of their needs and listen to what they have to say while also setting healthy parental boundaries and punishments when necessary.
Don’t Enlist Your Children as Soldiers in the War Against Your Spouse or Ex
Above all else, we need to consider how our actions traumatize our children. A surefire way to make your job harder as a parent is to traumatize your child by forcing them into the middle of your fight with your spouse or ex.
As you navigate your own challenges during your separation, try to be considerate of your child’s needs and emotions. Children of violent, ugly divorces often lash out in their own ways and turn to outbursts because they don’t know how to process the new feelings and uncharted waters that have been thrust upon them.
Consider taking your child to a family therapist to help them when they are struggling with your divorce or separation. Trained professionals know how to mitigate the increased risk of trauma and its effects better than you will.
Fighting With Your Kid Gets You Nowhere
You are an adult. Your child is a child. They are not on the same wavelength and do not have the same life experiences to filter what is going on.
When your child is having a meltdown in public, it does nothing to alleviate the situation if you physically or verbally accost them. This not only puts you at risk of worsening the situation and the ongoing trauma but also losing custody of your child.
Instead, consider walking away (don’t just leave your child alone in public, this isn’t Joe Dirt) and let everyone cool off before having a conversation about what happened.
Give Your Child Choices (Even in Punishment)
A child dealing with the divorce or separation of their parents feels powerless. They don’t want their parents to fight and move away from each other. They don’t want to have to go back and forth constantly between two different homes where there are two families, two sets of rules, two sets of expectations, and two opinions on how they act.
Most parents attempt to get ahead of this by creating a competition between themselves and the other parent to see whose house can be the “cool parent” house. Don’t do this. Nobody ever wins in this situation, and it can actually lead to your child having too much control over the situation.
Instead, empower your child with choices in other ways. Consider a situation where your child is having a meltdown over having to do homework instead of playing video games. Don’t just lock them in their room and expect them to magically get better while begrudgingly doing their homework. Present a choice – you lose video games for the rest of the week or you calm down and get your work done now so you can play video games.
This isn’t a real choice, right? They obviously prefer to not lose video games for a week, but it gives them the opportunity to exercise power over their own situation. Giving your child control is important because it’s something that children often don’t have in these situations or with any trauma they are or have experienced that have ultimately changed their entire lives and wellbeing.
Keep Your Own Emotions in Check and Don’t Overreact
It’s so easy to take the above example and just say “No, my kid needs to be punished and I’ll lock them in their room if I want to.” But, is this really a logical punishment? The consequences we give to our children need to “fit the crime” and be short-term.
Our children bounce back quickly. If we don’t allow them to learn and grow and evolve then they begin to resent us. This means not placing an unreasonable long-term punishment for small issues that can be remedied quickly.
Part of this requires taking care of yourself. There are resources, including therapy and counseling, to help you keep your own emotions in check. This allows you to react appropriately when dealing with small outbursts from your child.
Rely on Available Resources
The trauma our children experience in divorce can last a lifetime. Thankfully, there are numerous resources available to help our children during this time.
One in particular that we believe to be effective is Divorce Care For Kids (or DC4K). This organization has groups all over that can help families navigate childhood traumas associated with divorce.
And when you need an attorney who focuses on producing compassionate representation and results for families in Texas, Dawn King Law Group is here for you.